Me Dying Trial Read online

  That night when Aunty Cora finally say her prayers, anoint her feet with the various treatments from different obeah-men to make her arthritis go away, turn down the wick under the little ‘Home Sweet Home’ kerosene-oil lampshade, and turn over in her bed, she hear Peppy call her name.

  ‘But look at me dying trial! Pickney, you not asleep yet. You know you have to get up early tomorrow go to school. Shut up your eyes tight and wait till morning.’

  ‘Them beat me up and pop out Rose’s hand.’

  ‘Whatsit?’ Aunty Cora catch her breath.

  ‘Me not going back up there. Them say me and them not family.’

  Aunty Cora raise up on her elbows. ‘How you mean them and you not family? So where was Gwennie, what she say all this time?’

  ‘She wasn’t there.’

  ‘How you mean? Then where she was?’

  ‘Me never see her until the next day. The man . . . me father was quarrelling about how she love to walk about.’

  ‘Lord have mercy! Then Gwennie never get the letter? How them mean by you and them not . . . Then Gwennie don’t explain it to the children. But is what kind of business this though?’

  Aunty Cora fling her two feet to the side of the bed and raise up herself. She reach over to the bureau and turn up the lamp wick. She pull out the right-hand drawer of the bureau and take out the ‘White Rose’ writing pad. Then she search around in the bottom of the drawer with her fingers for a pen. She have to write Gwennie a letter, for she can’t understand what is going on. She can’t understand all these plans for Foreign when not a word mention about Peppy. The one time she send Peppy up there to visit, them abuse her. She can’t understand a tall—a tall.

  But Aunty Cora couldn’t find a pen. She kiss her teeth and turn to Peppy. ‘Gal, what happen to all the pens. Why you damn hands so touch-touch? Every pen I put down inside this house, you take it away.’ But Peppy only quiet in her corner near the wall. Aunty Cora kiss her teeth again and turn back down the wick. But she couldn’t fall asleep. Everything just rest heavy on her chest.

  PART FOUR

  I

  The year Peppy turn thirteen was the same year drought strike the island. For months and months, all over the country, people turn up the black of them eyes to the sky, looking for rain, but only fluffy white clouds and bright blue sky look back at them. All of June. All of July and August. No rain. All about, people complain how them hungry, how the markets empty, no yam, no banana, children’s mouth-lips parch dry. The government offer out relief. School children get free milk powder and rice to carry home. On Sundays, them drop off bags of sugar and flour and dry cod fish at different-different churches, but that never enough.

  Up at New Green, everything dry, even the roads. When cars drive pass, the wheels kick-up dust so plenty and thick, everything cover over brown: people’s faces, them clothes, food, even animals and houses and trees turn brown from the dust. Down Mile Gully, Grandpa’s cows lie still in the common across from the house and moo day-in and day-out. Grandma give up on her hibiscus and morning glory, for with the tank almost dry, she can’t afford to pour water at the roots. So them just hang limp and withered from stalks.

  September of that same bad season year, Peppy pass the Common Entrance Exam and enter her first year of high school free of cost. Aunty Cora was so proud, she give Peppy twenty dollars so she could open up a savings account at the Nova Scotia, and five dollars every month thereafter to fatten it. Not too long after Peppy start high school, MaDee take down sick. Doctors come from all about to see her. Them diagnose and whisper with Aunty Cora, shake heads and wring hands. But nothing could be done. Two weeks later she pass on.

  It was raining the evening. First rain fall in over six months. Grandma and Aunty Cora did sit down-up on the bed with MaDee between them. She was on her last. After Grandma’s shoulder get tired, she shift MaDee over to Aunty Cora’s shoulder. Peppy was on the bed too, but over in the corner. The room was warm. Now and again Grandma and Aunty Cora doze off. Plenty time pass. Grandma get up and shift MaDee over to Aunty Cora. Then them doze off again, the rain beating down hard on the zinc roof outside. All of a sudden Aunty Cora raise up. ‘Clara,’ she call out, voice almost a choke. ‘Clara, I don’t think MaDee breathing a tall.’

  ‘Don’t talk nonsense.’ Clara’s eyes fly open. Peppy’s too, over in her corner.

  ‘I can’t hear a drop of breathing.’ Aunty Cora put her head to MaDee’s chest.

  ‘Mother Dee,’ Clara call, shaking her gently.

  ‘Peppy,’ Aunty Cora turn her head, ‘pass me the glass.’

  Peppy give Aunty Cora the glass she keep on the window-sill at the bed corner next to the flask of rum for emergency purposes. Aunty Cora turn the mouth of the glass over MaDee’s nose.

  ‘It isn’t fogging a tall,’ Clara say out loud to no one in particular. Eye water was running down her face.

  ‘Yes,’ Aunty Cora sigh deep, ‘she gone.’ She hand Peppy the glass.

  ‘Imagine that!’ Clara shake her head, stroking MaDee’s hair. ‘She die right here on me right breast. I can still feel the pressure of her body.’

  ‘Which right breast!’ Aunty Cora’s eyes open up wide.

  Peppy raise up from where she lie down over in her corner.

  ‘Didn’t you raise up and pass her over to me? How she to die on your shoulder? It must be on mine.’

  ‘No, Cora. When I was moving her, I remember thinking to meself, Lord, she sure feels heavy.’

  ‘Can’t be. She did move her head a little after you give her to me. That must be as she going out . . .’

  Well, the two of them sit down-up over the dead woman and talk and argue till about an hour-and-a-half later when them finally get up and send somebody to call the ambulance.

  Them bury MaDee in the family plot at the back of Aunty Cora’s house next to her two husbands. The service them keep in Aunty Cora’s church close to the plot. Plenty people attend the service, even Walter. Gwennie send her condolences from Foreign where she been living now going on two years. In the card she express how badly she wanted to come, but every penny she earn have to go towards the down payment on a lovely one-family house she have her eyes on, so the children can have a place when them come. House and land too expensive in America.

  Not even one month proper after the funeral, Aunty Cora take down sick. Doctor Lord say she must careful, for her blood pressure so high, it bound to cause stroke. Rest, him tell her, take vacation. Give up the shop. Rent or put somebody else in there. Relax. Death not an easy thing. She need plenty time to deal with Mother Dee’s.

  But for all her seventy years, Aunty Cora never know what it’s like not to work. She don’t know what it’s like not to get up every morning, Monday through Saturday, and go down to the shop, open the door and windows and wrap and weigh out one, two, and three-pound bags of flour, rice, sugar and cornmeal before customers arrive. She don’t know what it’s like not to stand up at the counter, her two hands holding up her jaw, and watch the cows in the common grazing. She don’t know what it’s like not to be ordering goods, or sitting down-up on her barrel close to the glass case where she can see and hear everything going on outside without anybody seeing her, or chopping up cod fish and salt mackerel for customers. She don’t understand what it means to lie down-up inside her bed day-in and day-out, just relaxing.

  But she didn’t forget what her two younger brothers, Martin and Egbert, tell her at the funeral, that she must come and spend a little time with them abroad.

  ‘We will take care of plane fare and pay for the eye operation,’ Martin tell her. ‘Just get somebody to look after your land, your animals and your business, and come stay with us. At least six months.’

  And Aunty Cora never mind the idea. For she have her passport cover-up, brand-new underneath her bed. She and Anderson did plan to go abroad. And even after Anderson pass on, she still go every four years to renew it. But now she feel too old to travel. It’s too hard now to pack up and leave everyt
hing and everybody. Her roots set down too deep.

  ‘Old somebody like me too old to travel, man,’ she tell Martin and Egbert. ‘Old somebody like me must just stay here and die. For I know that the minute I set foot in that plane, I bound to fall over, dead. Furthermore, me can’t leave the children. Who will look after them?’

  ‘Nonsense!’ Egbert say to her. ‘In America, people plenty years older than you get married to young gal and boy every day. Them go party. Them drink rum. Them gamble and travel same way. Them don’t know what old age means. People in America don’t die till them bloody ready.

  ‘And about the children,’ Egbert kiss his teeth, ‘leave them and come. You think if them was going Foreign, them would stop and think twice about you? Leave them and come. Everybody can take care till you come back. Is only for a little time. How them ever manage before you.’

  And so Aunty Cora reserve her seat on the airplane the following spring. And all the while she was going for different-different kinds of physicals, and signing different-different kinds of Immigration papers, Peppy didn’t start to miss her until the day Aunty Cora was packing her suitcase for the last time.

  She and Aunty Cora did sit down out on the verandah. She was folding and Aunty Cora was packing the clothes neatly into the big green suitcase with the four wheels at the bottom.

  ‘Peppy,’ Aunty Cora call out after a long swallow of the Red Stripe next to her elbow. ‘Take care of yourself. Them boys out the street don’t know responsibility. Is you, the gal pickney, that have to be careful. Careful! See you pass exam, you in high school now. I proud of you. Don’t allow them boys out the street to spoil your figure. Don’t allow them to spoil your future. I want to see you get education and turn out decent.’ Peppy fold over the same nightie in her hands. She hate when Aunty Cora talk about these things. She bend her head and continue fold, her forehead furrowing.

  ‘You menstruating now, you have little money at bank. You almost a woman now. Don’t bring any babies come. I can’t raise any more. You the last one. I don’t have eye and strength for young babies.’

  ‘But MaCora, why you think I going to have baby? Why you choose to talk about these things?’

  ‘I will talk about it as long as I please.’ Aunty Cora raise her voice. ‘I see how you love to chat-up and laugh-up with them boys. I see how them look at you. I know you not a child anymore. I don’t want you to turn out like some of them other girls around here. I want you to turn out decent.’

  Aunty Cora quiet down for a while. Then she turn to Peppy, and almost in a whisper she say: ‘I don’t want to say it, but I know you young girls nowadays can barely wait to open-up your legs. Nothing can stop you. Not even the word of God. So use things . . .’ She swallow more of her beer. ‘Listen to the radio. Every morning them have a nurse lady on the air that talk about the various protections. I don’t even want to see you with the boys from around here, for them don’t come from good family, them not clean . . . I don’t want you to slut-up yourself with them.’ Aunty Cora turn the bottle to her head. She stop and ask Peppy if she want a little, but Peppy shake her head, so Aunty Cora finish it.

  ‘I just thinking,’ Aunty Cora say to Peppy after she put down the bottle on the floor near her chair. ‘You should stay up at your father’s.’ ‘No,’ Peppy bawl out, dismay write all over her face. ‘Why me can’t stay here?’ Eye water fill her two eyes. ‘You know me and them don’t get on. You know . . .’

  ‘Hush your mouth, gal. Is for your own good. Him will protect you.’

  ‘Me not going up there.’ Peppy fold up her hands crossway her chest, lips push out.

  ‘You going.’ Aunty Cora’s voice was soft but firm. She take up some of the clothes and start to fold them. ‘I don’t want to leave you here with Leslie. You and him don’t get along. I don’t want him knock you. You know his temper.’

  Peppy didn’t say anything. She was afraid of Leslie. Him watch her every movements to see who she keep company with so him can report back to Aunty Cora. Often times him hide and follow behind when she walking with any boy, so him can listen in to the conversation. Miss Irene say is jealousy. When new baby come into family, the older ones always get jealous. Usually them outgrow it. But not Leslie it seems.

  Peppy try squeeze back the tears burning behind her eyes. Aunty Cora’s voice sounded much too final, almost like them won’t see one another again. Even the things them talking about now, baby and men, sound a lot more serious than usual. All of a sudden, Peppy feel lonesome, as if all the family she have in the world suddenly leaving her. Usually she is the one to go away for holidays or to spend time, never Aunty Cora. But this time, everything different. Aunty Cora was leaving. She going to miss her plenty.

  ‘Is for the best,’ Aunty Cora continue on, breaking into Peppy’s thinking. ‘Also, you will get to know your family better. And is only for six months. Furthermore, if them knock you, don’t just sit down there like jackass and take it. Double-up your fist and show them that I feed you on plenty good food.’

  Them never say anything else after that. Aunty Cora lock her suitcase and lean it up against the wall on the verandah. The next morning, bright and early, them pick her up for the airport. Aunty Cora was crying, eyes red and swollen, face old and tired. Peppy tell her not to cry. Everything will be alright. She is a big girl, she can take care of herself. But the car didn’t even pull away from the house proper before Peppy start the hollering herself. And she never stop even when Walter come to pick her up two days later.

  II

  It didn’t take long for Rudi and Peppy to become best of friends. But not even that could replace the empty feelings she have inside her belly sometimes since Aunty Cora leave. Him tell Peppy him more than glad she come, for it was lonesome up there with only Jeff and Rosa to talk to. After Gwennie left, him tell her, Dave and Del went down to Mile Gully to live with Grandma and Grandpa. She know Rudi miss his mother, even though him refuse to talk about it. Him say Rosa don’t really remember her, but Jeff still cry sometimes.

  Sometimes Peppy notice Rudi’s face puckering-up. Not often though, only whenever the mother send letter, always via Percy Clock, once a month. And she would always hold his hand in hers, watching as the eye water bubble-up, then drip down slowly. And it cause Peppy to wonder why the mother leave them and gone for such a long time, if she didn’t miss them and was just as unhappy. She could understand if the mother was only gone for a little while, but four years seem way too much.

  Peppy still have Aunty Cora’s first letter fold up neat at the bottom of her suitcase. It come several weeks after her departure, with a crispy ten dollar bill wrap-up inside. Standing outside the gate by the mailbox that afternoon, heart pumping hard inside her chest, face gleeful, she could hardly wait to tear open the letter. She slip the money deep inside her blue school uniform pocket.

  First, Aunty Cora announce her safe arrival, thank Jesus. But Lord, the plane ride way too long. Three whole hours. It’s not easy to sit down so long in one place a tall, strap down, can barely shift, bend or do anything. And the reason why it so bad, she write, is that unlike the inside of a motor car where you pass trees and people and dog and house at the roadside, all you can see through the little peep hole them call window is more and more clouds. Only the plane alone big, she state in the letter, everything else no bigger than me little finger. Little plate of food, little cup of water, even the shot of rum them serve, little bit.

  Further down the page, she write about her close encounter with her Saviour. It was in the bathroom, Aunty Cora say, so small, she pass it near three times before figuring it out. Then inside is another matter altogether, for by the time she open the door and let herself in, there was only room to do her business, nothing else. Then while she in the bathroom, the plane start to drop. And with every drop, her belly start to drop too. Right away, she could tell it was time to go Home. She didn’t know it would be in airplane, but the Bible say the Lord works in mysterious ways. And so when the red button in the toi
let start to flash and say she must return and strap down in her seat, she didn’t know what to do. She start to sweat, everything going round and round, and by the time she come to, she was back in her seat, strap down, with the air hostess, a nice tall child, asking her if she alright.

  By the time Peppy finish reading, it was almost as if Aunty Cora hadn’t left a tall. She fold it up and put it back inside the envelope and then put it in her pocket next to the money. She could hardly wait till Rudi return from Percy Clock’s house the evening to tell him the news.

  Him say him feel happier now since Peppy been living with them. ‘Things used to be really bad,’ him tell her as the two of them sit down under the big mango tree behind the house, ‘especially after Mama left. Daddy would always drink, always complain about how we run up the electricity bills, how we nasty-up the walls.

  ‘Then Jeff used to get sick from the asthma all the time. Sometimes two months straight. Can’t breathe, can’t talk, can’t even put on clothes to got to the hospital. Most nights Daddy never come home. Me alone have to hire taxi and pay for medication.

  ‘I used to give Daddy the money Mama send once a month, like damn idiot. But then me stop for him wouldn’t buy Jeff shoes for school or give me money for the house. Him probably used to pay off his debts with it. Then him start to spite me. Wouldn’t pay any of the big bills. Everything fall down on me shoulders. One whole month them cut off the lights and Daddy wouldn’t turn it back on. Another time him wouldn’t pay the rent. Three, four times a day the Chinese man curse and quarrel. Finally when him come with the truck to move us out, letter come and I was able to pay the rent.’