Me Dying Trial Read online

  So because she never have many friends, or at least any close ones, she never have a return address where Aunty Cora could send the letter before Walter open it. One whole week pass. Not a word from Aunty Cora. She did mail the letter the Monday morning and here, today Tuesday, eight days, and still not a word. Wednesday come, gone, not a word. The following morning Gwennie pick up herself and go over to New Green.

  Through the entire bus ride, whole heap of things go through her head. She couldn’t figure out if Aunty Cora never get the letter. If she get the letter but don’t answer yet, even though Gwennie did ask her to hurry up and answer. She wonder if Aunty Cora already answer, and Walter open the letter and read it. But then him wasn’t acting funny a tall; him was his sweet self as usual to the baby and to the other three, and was even acting okay to her. If him already read the letter, him would certainly open his mouth about it. If him waiting on her to say something, shit, what she must say. All these things run through Gwennie’s head that Thursday morning in the bus. And even though she love window seat and was sitting at one that very Thursday morning, even looking through it, her eyes wouldn’t focus on a thing, for they were full to the brim with worry.

  VII

  Her Aunty Cora’s house was bedecked with seven bedrooms, in addition to her thirteen adult-size cats and dogs put together. Aunty Cora was about sixty, and she live in this huge house with the seven bedrooms with her grandson Leslie; one of the eleven children she raise, George; her live-in helper, Miss Irene; and her cousin Miss Gertrude Fines, who still on extended visit, from May Pen. Her Aunty Cora’s been married two times, but both husbands already pass on leaving her with fifty acres of fertile land, two acres of rock-stone, one shop, one house, one church, thirty heads of cow, three bulls, two donkeys, fifteen laying hens, six roosters and one young pullet.

  Aunty Cora was fanning herself with a piece of cardboard and sipping white rum from a big mug full of ice, when Gwennie climb up the stairs to the verandah. Aunty Cora never have on her thick glasses that usually sit down on her nose, so she couldn’t tell who it was coming up the steps, whether or not it was Leslie or George, or her cousin Miss Gertie.

  ‘But is who that walking up the steps and breathing so hard, mad to blow me way? Is you that, Miss Gertie?’ Aunty Cora bawl out, stretching out her neck, squinting up her eyes, laying down the fan and feeling round on the chair for the thick glasses. ‘But look at me dying trial! Gwennie Agusta Glaspole,’ she bawl out, this time with her thick glasses sitting down on her nose. ‘Gal, what you doing here already. You mean to tell me you get the letter already? So where the baby? Gwennie, what happen to you, gal? Sit down on the seat beside me and take a sip of this rum. You look ready to tumble over.’

  Aunty Cora take a swig of the rum and give the mug to Gwennie. All this time Gwennie wasn’t saying a word, she just stand up on the steps, her face pucker up like she ready to start the hollering.

  ‘Come, come, take a sip. I already bury two husbands. I don’t plan on burying another soul before I die, so come. Take a sip of this drink, you will feel much better.’

  Gwennie walk over to Aunty Cora, sit down next to her and sip the mug full of ice and white rum.

  ‘Then, where the baby? You mean to tell me that you get the letter already? I just send it two days ago, shouldn’t reach till this evening or tomorrow the latest, according to how I was figuring. So what Walter say?’

  But it seems like that was all Gwennie was waiting to hear. She start up the crying.

  ‘Come, come, man. Drink up some more of this thing and stop this blasted cow bawling. This is serious business. For if you don’t bring the baby, and you don’t get the letter, no doubt Walter have the letter right now in his hand reading it.’

  ‘You was taking such a long time to write back.’ Gwennie pause through her eye water, ‘I was thinking that maybe Walter already have the letter. So I come to find out.’

  Aunty Cora take the mug from Gwennie and take a long sip. She pick up the piece of cardboard and start to fan. Perspiration was dropping off her nose where the thick glasses sit. ‘Gal, that decision never easy. I into me old age now, done bury two husbands, my time next. The eyes not good, doctor say is cataract, and the arthritis in the two legs now. I don’t have any more milk in me titty for such a young baby. So you see, it not easy. But as blood thicker than water, I will do anything to help me family. So I will take the baby, but it not going to be easy.’

  All this time Gwennie don’t say a word. Her head was reeling hard from the heat, the rum and everything. Aunty Cora drain the mug, slap Gwennie on her leg and say, ‘Come, gal, is near lunch time, and you look like you going to pass out right here on the verandah. Come, we go see what Miss Irene make for lunch.’

  ‘Alright, I soon come, you go on. I just need to get me bearings together. I going sit here little bit.’ And Gwennie sit down on that bench with Aunty Cora’s fan and the empty mug next to her, with her head reeling, and she shut up her eyes and give Papa Jesus thanks. She thank Him for the safe bus ride to New Green, and she thank Him for giving her Aunty Cora such a kind heart. Then she ask if Him could please not let Walter do anything too dangerous to her and the baby. Some things she know she deserve, but after all she only human and . . .

  ‘Gwennie, come on, come eat the little lunch before it get cold,’ Aunty Cora shout out from the kitchen. So Gwennie cut the prayer short, cry Amen to Papa Jesus, pick up the fan and the empty mug and step through the kitchen door with her head reeling.

  VIII

  Aunty Cora’s dining hall was almost as big as the entire house put together and just as shine. Gwennie look round for the one picture of Jesus, Aunty Cora keep on her wall, and sit down with her back next to it. Gwennie never like the picture a tall. For is one thing when you pray to Jesus everynight, but is another thing when His picture follow you all about and act like it can read your mind.

  After them eat, and Aunty Cora talk to her little bit more about the baby and about Walter and give her money wrap up in a piece of cloth, George and Leslie pack her up a small box of food, walk her to the bus stop, and Gwennie catch the evening bus back to Porous.

  But that talk with her Aunty Cora, it look like, was a blessing. For on the bus back to Porous that evening, she make up her mind about certain hard things. First thing was that as long as she live, Walter wasn’t going to find out about that baby. It was a shameful thing she do with Luther, a big married woman like herself have no place doing such a thing, but is not like the baby not going be there to remind her. So, no need for Walter to help walla-walla in her disgrace. As early as can be, she going to christen it at church in Walter’s name.

  Next thing she going to do is go back to school and get the certificate—yes, she going to enrol right away. The money them pay her at the school not worth a penny without the little piece of paper. As she shut her eyes and turn round, her paycheck finish. And the thing that hurt the most is that them don’t give her any benefits. She on the last of her four months maternity leave now, and them don’t pay her one red cent for it. The man she work at Porous Primary School for, Teacher Brown, been working there for over eight years now, and every time she take time off to have her babies, him tell her him can’t promise work when she come back, even though each time him rehire her. But nevertheless, she need the reassurance. She just can’t live her life like that—neither coming or going.

  As these thoughts run through Gwennie’s head, she start like more and more the ring to it. And as she think about it, she decide that that was exactly what she going to tell Walter. Yes, it falling into place now, just like jig-saw. Her Aunty Cora say she never write anything in the letter to raise Walter’s eyebrow, except that she going to take the baby. So she going to tell Walter she going back to school, for teacher Brown get real strict these days and all, and him laying off people without certificate. So she going to have to send Rudi, Dave and Del to Grandma, and make her Aunty Cora keep Peppy, for Grandma say her hands more than full with the big one
s. She and the baby safe, with it staying up at Aunty Cora’s.

  Her mind made up, Gwennie step off the bus strong and walk straight-back down Porous road, with the box of food on her head. Porous road was quiet, except for the Richardson’s little baby, Angela, crying in the distance. Besides Gwennie, they were the only other people, out of the five of them that live on the street, that have children. Even the school where Walter teach Agriculture quiet-quiet. Seems like the boys already gone down to supper, she couldn’t see any lights in the rooms.

  When she reach number fifteen, Gwennie hesitate outside the door before she let herself in, but it look like Walter was setting out for her, for the minute she enter the house, not even put down the box of food good, Walter light into her with his head, his fist, his feet, his shoes, knock her down flat; she and the box hitting the ground at the same time. She never fight him back, for normally when them fight, she hit him back with book, chair, bottle, pot, anything she catch her hands on, and then if things look serious, she run and lock up herself in the bathroom till him calm down. But this evening different. Somewhere deep inside, she have a feeling this was her punishment from God because of what she do with Luther, and so she just lie down on the floor, and hide her head and her face from his blows with her hands, and listen to him curse.

  ‘Who the hell you think you is, making arrangements to give away me pickney without even telling me? You think you is God, woman? Well, if you think you bad, you and your blasted Aunty, take that baby and see what happen to the two of you. Think both of you not damn out-of-order. Don’t tell me anything, but making plans behind me back with me own pickney. Everyday you pick up youself, jump on bus, gone here so, gone there so. Don’t have time for family anymore. Now, you catch as far as want to give them way . . .’

  And although she never want to cry, for she feel she well deserve the blows him bestowing on her, her eyes suddenly get misty and tears start trickling out of them. Maybe she should’ve told Walter beforehand. Maybe she shouldn’t’ve been so hasty after all. Maybe Walter more ignorant than she think. Maybe she should’ve really approached it a different way. For if anybody see how Walter coo and caw that little girl, there could never be any doubt about his love for her. It was more than him ever show any of the other three children. Maybe it was a damn wrong thing she do, taking it away from him like that, who knows, maybe the little girl would’ve brought them closer, and things would’ve started to work out again, like it used to when them just start out. But these thoughts never linger long inside Gwennie’s head.

  A little while later, after Walter finish quarrel and fight, and him slam the door and leave for the night, Gwennie try to get up and see if the children okay, and to see if them already eat dinner and so forth, but the pain in her body hurt so much, she just drop back down on the carpet. And as she lay down there, she think about retribution, she think about her children, she think about her life, her marriage, and she think and think till she fall asleep.

  That night she have nightmares, one right after the other. Plenty times she cry out in her sleep. The last dream take place down Mile Gully. It was Independence. She was at a pig-roasting party with people from high school days, standing round, drinking rum and beers, laughing, talking. And the one girl she used to compete with often and never like much, come up from behind and push Gwennie straight into the pig. Poor Gwennie bawl out so loud that she wake right up only to find her big son, Rudi, in his night-clothes, with a basin of hot water and a rag sopping her bruises. Gwennie’s heart so full, all she could do was hold on to him and whimper.

  She wake up next morning to a pounding in her head. The house was quiet except for Peppy, she was bawling. Gwennie leap up, but could only see darkness, her head was reeling. She hold her head with her hands, close her eyes tight, and think hard about the pounding until she figure the darkness gone. Then she open them and walk to where she hear the bawling. For a long time, Gwennie never realize how the little boy Rudi, no more than ten, helpful. She never have to tell him to do anything more than once. Evening time when she make dinner, him always set the table and call the others without telling. Morning time, after him wake up, him help Dave and Del get ready. On Saturdays, him help Gwennie shop and even clean house sometimes. But all that time, she never take much notice of how handy him really was.

  But after she see how him was holding and swaying the baby to keep her quiet, her heart tremble, for it was the same way she or even Grandma would do it. As far as she could see, the little boy Rudi did wake up early, bathe and feed the baby and then get the other two ready for school. And when Gwennie see all three of them stand up there ready for school, even though hair don’t comb, clothes don’t see iron, and shoes don’t see polish, she just walk over and hug all three and the little baby to her stomach.

  Then one morning, not long after, as them get ready for school, she call them together in the kitchen. ‘You not going school, today,’ she tell them. ‘Go pack-up your clothes. You going down to stay with Grandma for a little time.’

  And while Rudi pack up his clothes and help the other two pack up theirs, Gwennie sit down at the kitchen table with the little girl, Peppy, in her lap and begin to write three letters.

  The first one she address to Walter, since him already leave for work. Still no mention of Luther. Well, she going to leave it that way. She tell him she and the children leaving for Mile Gully and she going to leave all of them down there with Grandma except for the baby. The baby going to live with Aunty Cora, for Grandma can’t manage everybody. Rudi is a big help these days, so him can help Grandma with the other two. Gwennie tell him the reason she leaving is because she going back to school to get the little piece of paper, and she don’t want to burden him with all the children. She can’t very well pick them up and bring them to the boarding school with her, either.

  She tell him that the reason she never mention it before now was because she wanted to make sure everything would work out first before she break the news to him. So all that him do to her that night was very much uncalled for, and that was the next reason why she leaving. She really can’t put up with the way him manhandle her all the time. The two of them big people, she don’t understand why them can’t sit down and work things out like decent human beings. In the last paragraph, Gwennie tell him the name of the school and that him mustn’t worry, the children all right with Grandma and Peppy with Aunty Cora, and she know that him will understand that these things she doing are for the better. Then she sign the letter, ‘Love, Gwennie’, fold it up, put it in the envelope, lick it shut and leave it on his bureau.

  The next letter was to the baby-sitter, Miss Icy. She used to look after the last boy, Dave while Gwennie at work. She tell Miss Icy she going to get the little piece of paper and that Grandma would look after the children. But thanks very much for her services in the past and she will make sure drop her a line to let her know how things going. The last letter Gwennie address to Teacher Bailey, Rudi and Dave’s headmaster. She tell Teacher Bailey that she was going to get the little piece of paper for good this time and that she going to enrol Rudi and Dave at Mile Gully All-Age School. Gwennie lick on the two stamps on the envelopes and then send Rudi up the road to drop them off at the post.

  Then she pack up her things and the little girl things, call and ask one of the handy-men from about the campus to help her bring the heavy grip to the bus stop, and once more, she, Del, Peppy, Rudi and Dave board the bus with the market women and school children for Grandma’s house. As the bus pull out of Porous Square, eye water fill Gwennie’s two eyes. She never tell Walter whether or not she coming back. But she don’t think so. Don’t make sense spend your life with a man who only out to beat you half to death. It don’t spell sense a tall.

  As for Luther, well that is another matter. All she can say is that she should’ve been more careful, but she not sorry about what she did that night a tall. No, she not sorry. Maybe after she get the certificate, she will find a teaching job somewhere near the college.
Then she could take the children. But it going to be hard for she alone to take care of them. Maybe the little girl could stay with Aunty Cora some more. Rudi could help with Del. Dave growing quickly. But first things first. She going to get the certificate and then time will tell.

  Gwennie never stay long at Mile Gully. She did only have time to drop off the children and kiss them goodbye before she board another bus for New Green. She stay over at New Green till the Sunday, and that morning she and Aunty Cora christen the baby in Walter’s name. Then Gwennie board the bus one last time to Churchill Teachers College.

  PART TWO

  I

  The six months Gwennie spend up at Churchill was the most fruitful of her life for a long time. The first two months she bury her head in her studies, and not a Luther, not a Walter, not a Peppy stir her nerves the whole time. The room them give her was small, and since Gwennie was a woman used to having plenty space, she never know what to do with herself at first. Many nights she wake up at the edge of the small single bed, the mattress hard and tough like woodroot own self, if breeze blow too hard any a tall, she roll right off.